the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
