I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We talked him into tasing himself.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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