When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
