she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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