I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
