I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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