Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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