Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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