I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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