My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
