I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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