My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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