hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
