We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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