My Higher Power is John Stamos
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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