Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
