Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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