Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
