if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
