Already got asked if we're dating
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
