I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
