I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
