the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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