My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
