he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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