very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
