they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
