I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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