My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
