You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
