Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
