i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
