Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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