i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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