I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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