If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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