Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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