I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My cat gives me a boner
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He felt like a one man threesome
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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