Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
