shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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