Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
