The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
