i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
