i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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