Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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