I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
