Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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