So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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