I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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