I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I need to calm my uterus...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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